You can rest easy, Cracked Fans. Bruce Ivins, the man who allegedly tried to destroy Cracked has committed suicide. How did he try to destroy Cracked? Terrific question,
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Some of you may remember the series of anthrax attacks in the Spring and Summer of 2001,
Real Mens Buy Viagra Online Fast Delivery And Good Customer Services Are Guaranteed, (what was up with that?). While it was first suspected to be the work of terrorists, suspicions later turned to American scientists who worked exclusively with anthrax. All available evidence pointed to Ivins as the lead suspect and, when he realized that the government wanted to "talk" to him, he took the shit out of his own life.

Since the I’ll kill myself to prove how not guilty I am defense strategy is actually quite damning in a court of law, it is believed with almost absolute certainty that Ivins was the man who attempted to cripple this great nation by mailing anthrax to the Big Three of the American Economy, (Big Three includes the Government, the Media, and Cracked Magazine). That’s right,
Mens Cheap Buy Viagra Online Save Up To 65% When Shopping At Our Outlet Store, the targets of the 2001 anthrax attacks included South Dakotan Senator Tom Daschle, news correspondent Tom Brokaw, and American Media Inc., publishers of the now defunct Cracked Magazine, (and various other publications of less importance). According to words I read from former Cracked Editor Mort Todd in the Comics Journal, due to contamination, all of the film used to print the beautiful Cracked magazine from 1958 to 2000 had to be destroyed. That’s right. We lost all of the original Cracked prints because some asshole went a little nutty with the anthrax. (It’s also suspected that people were so scared of the anthrax attacks that they almost unanimously refused to buy our magazine during its latest relaunch, causing its epic failure after just three issues.)

"I never had a chance."

Now, Cracked might seem like kind of an unlikely target. Yes, for anyone who’s ever wondered why the seemingly inconsequential Cracked joined an exclusive list of high profile targets some seven years ago,
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It was 2001. Enron was filing for bankruptcy, an earthquake in El Salvador killed 800, and a little movie called The Fast and the Furious was quickly and ferociously speeding towards box office glory. The streets were tough and the times were tougher. I was in a transitional period as far as jobs went. I was just starting to work for Cracked, but I still had my old job as a detective for hire, a Private Investigator. (Dick before dick jokes.) We all did what we had to in the Early OO’s just to get by.

My detective agency was hired by the United States government after the anthrax attacks on Brokaw and Daschle to get to the bottom of this mystery. Why the government decided to put this case in the hands of a gritty, small time, totally clich detective agency instead of, say, the FBI or the army or scientists, is anyone’s guess. The point was, the case was ours,
New Release Buy Viagra Online Save Big Discount, so we had to solve it. We never said "no" to a case, so long as the price was right. I remember heading over to the Chief’s office when the case was first handed over to us.

I approached Dolly, the Chief’s secretary.

"What’s the good word, Dolly?" She flashed me a smile sweet enough to make even the blackest coffee drinkable. Dolly had these big, blue eyes that she hid behind thick, horn rimmed glasses. You might miss them if you weren’t looking for ’em, but I always was. She kept her red hair tied in a tight bun on top of her head, like she was trying to hide her beauty from the world. A sweet kid, but scared; scared of the big city, scared of men,
Real 100% Buy Viagra Online Save You Up To 79%, scared of living. I always kinda wondered what it would’ve been like to nail her.

"The Chief will see you in just a minute, Guinness," she said. Oh,
2014 Cheap Buy Viagra Online Discover Our Latest Collection Of, right. We already had a Dan at this detective agency before I showed up and, because I was Irish, I was given ‘Guinness’ as a nickname. This bit of playful racism really cut me to the core and almost made me cry every time I heard it. It was actually the main reason I was leaving detective work for Cracked. I heard they already had an ‘O’Brien’ there, so I figured I was safe from stereotype based nicknames. After Dolly nodded to me with that sweet,
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The Chief sat behind his desk looking exactly like one of those hastily conceived TV Chiefs you’ve probably seen before; balding, moustache, suspenders. He was maybe even smoking a cigar sometimes. The usual.

"It’s good to see you, Guinness." They know my family has a history of alcohol abuse.

"This looks like a pretty open and shut case to me." He then opened and shut the briefcase on his desk repeatedly to demonstrate his point. This went on for a lot longer than you’d expect, and I was growing pretty uncomfortable.

"Chief, I’m not so sure it’s all that open and shut."

"How do you mean? Terrorists hate America. Someone is trying to poison America. Logic points us towards terrorists. That’s open and shut." He squinted at me and reached for his briefcase to again visually explain what he meant by ‘open and shut.’ I stopped him.

"That’s what I mean, Chief. It can’t be terrorists. It just doesn’t make any sense."

"How do you figure, Guinness?" My suspicion that terrorists weren’t involved was entirely motivated by the fact that I didn’t want to travel to a foreign country to solve this case. I knew that wouldn’t fly with the Chief, (he loves traveling), so I needed to make something up, and fast.

"Well, Chief, the first rule of Detective ing is to figure out who has the most to gain from any given crime. Qui bono, as the saying goes in Latin. ‘Who benefits?’"

"I know what it means, Guinness,
Cheap Buy Viagra Online Our Website Also Supplies Top Quality, you didn’t have to translate it." I stared at my shoes for a little while. I forgot that the Chief was fluent in Latin. I knew he was particularly proud of the accomplishment, and I could tell that I hurt his feelings and I felt downright rotten. He probably doesn’t get a lot of chances to show off how much Latin he knows, and here I was, totally blowing it for him. I’d have to remember to make it up to him somehow after we solved this case.

"Still, Chief,
Mens Buy Viagra Online Cheap Price Fabulous Quality Promise, we’re straying from the topic. We’re like Dolemite, but with Nukes." I wondered if the Chief was familiar with Dolemite and, specifically, his policy on dealing with motherfuckers. (He cuts them). "So, we have to figure that terrorists wouldn’t do it, because they know they’d just be signing their own death warrant. We need to ask ourselves ‘Who would benefit?’"

"By God,
Cheap Buy Viagra Online Good Quality And Fast Shipping, Guinness, you’re right! The scientists who work on Anthrax research! The more attacks we receive, the more funding they’d get for their research! It’s the scientists!" Wow,
Cheapest Buy Viagra Online Outlet Online Store And Buy Cheap, I was gonna say "Anthrax Farmers," but the Chief’s suggestion sounded much less retarded. Still,
Real 100% Buy Viagra Online Wholesale Online Shop, I was going to keep "anthrax farmers" on my secret shortlist of suspects in case this scientist theory didn’t quite pan out. I wrote "Farmers" in my little detective notepad and slid it back into my pocket.

"I want you doing everything you can to track this lead down. Shake up all of your informants,
70% Off Buy Viagra Online Wholesale Online Shop, get your hands dirty,
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Order Womens Buy Viagra Online Such Quality Of Cheap, too." ‘Tacos’ was the nickname given to James Rodriguez,
Discount Buy Viagra Online Are Sold With The Lowest Price, because he’s vaguely Mexican. This was a shockingly racist office. "Do whatever you need to do to solve this case."

And we did. James and I, (I refuse to call him ‘Tacos’),
Mens Buy Viagra Online Big Discount For Big Order, were a tenacious pair of detectives. We weren’t afraid to bang down doors, even if it meant getting our hands dirty.

"This door is filthy," I recall James saying one morning. And it was,
Retail Price Buy Viagra Online Good Guality And Medium Price, but we banged on it anyway, getting the dirt all over our hands. Even after he washed them, James couldn’t stop smelling his hands all day, that’s how dirty the door was.

"Let’s just ask him straight out if he’s mailing anthrax to people. I am so sick of beating around the bush," I said as we were walking up to his studio apartment. James was quick to correct me.

"Let’s not give out too much info too soon. I’ve got a hunch about this one. If we ask him, he’s gonna think we’re on to him. We need make him think that we think that anthrax is cool. That way, he’ll admit to mailing out anthrax to people, just to impress us." James was a much better detective than me. Ivins came to the door after we fearlessly banged on it looking either like a mad scientist or like a totally normal scientist, depending on which detective you ask.

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