Let’s get one thing clear right away. I was not excited about visiting the Blackout Haunted House. It’s not that I’d heard bad things about the place. It’s more that there are only bad things to hear. The Blackout is a haunted house in the same way that Guantanamo Bay is a haunted house. You won’t see a guy in a werewolf mask stabbing a rubber baby or anything like that,
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Schemes at past incarnations of the Blackout Haunted House have produced horrifying stories of patrons forced to suck on bloody tampons and,
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Did you hear the girl yelling "Safety!" at the end? That’s because they give you a safe word,
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It was my girlfriend who initially floated the idea of writing a column about the Blackout Haunted House,
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I’m glad one of us could be bothered to look worried about the possibility of being sodomized,
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If you’re planning to attend the Blackout Haunted House this year,
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Now,
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7. The Opening DarkPrior to entering the Blackout Haunted House,
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Upon completion of the interrogation,
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"How many fingers am I holding up,
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That was the point,
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Basically,
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But first,
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6,
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Those were my initial thoughts upon entering the next section of the Blackout Haunted House. In addition to the television with the unfortunate programming,
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The scary lady’s work wasn’t done,
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"I’d like to discuss some inconsistencies in the haunted house universe you’ve created here,
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See,
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I’m pretty sure my purist approach to haunted houses negated the entire point of this room,
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5. The SuffocationAfter the sexcapades end,
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At one point,
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They didn’t do that. Instead,
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