The first job I ever had was working as a delivery driver for Mr. M’s,
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Here are five of the most terrifying misadventures I had as a delivery driver for the most nefarious restaurant ever built,
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I got the job because I happened to see a Help Wanted sign in the window and walked in to ask about it. The manager looked like Ted DiBiase if he’d blown his knees out,
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I answered "yes" to both questions,
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For example, this is pretty much what every payday looked like.

Because I was a 150 pound teenager who had never worked anywhere before,
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When an impending shutdown finally forced us all to go get food handler’s cards, it consisted of us driving 30 minutes out to a rec center on the opposite side of the city and watching an instructional video from 1993 starring a bunch of 12 year old children offering helpful tidbits like "Don’t bleed in the soup" and "You can’t serve gray meat." I have no idea what audience this video was intended for,
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4. I Constantly Walked in on People Masturbating and/or Having Sex

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At least once a week I would show up at a customer’s house and be told to wait in the front hall (or occasionally the living room) while they disappeared to get their money,
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I bore witness to more terrifying nudity than Nicolas Cage in 8MM. It’s like if Tony Montana ordered a party calzone and then made the delivery guy stand there and watch him take a bath in his giant Jacuzzi tub before agreeing to pay for it. People gave me about as much regard as if the cat had just walked into the room and were content to leave me waiting in a nimbus of penis burps while they looked for their wallets,
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Hemera Technologies / Getty Images

"Here’s an extra 10 for heroically keeping your feet after that wave of fuck thunder smashed into you when I answered the door."

I was once left standing in the entryway of a duplex by a guy in a Batman T shirt watching two bare chested Lord of the Rings villains sitting in front of a computer in the next room and screaming impassioned demands at the Internet to relinquish the pictures of Angelina Jolie’s vagina it was so cleverly hiding. These men were clearly just about to start thrashing baby paste out of their doom spigots,
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Vinicius Ramalho Tupinamba / Getty Images

"Delivery, you say? Just a moment, I’m almost finished here."

3. I Witnessed Criminal Activity on a Daily Basis, Both Inside and Outside the Restaurant

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Mr. M’s was located in a strip mall that contained a sex toy dungeon, a gay bar called the Nutty Buddy with a picture of Laurel and Hardy on the side, a travel agency,
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My co workers would routinely stand outside along the front of these shops and peddle boxes of the most bizarre collection of stolen wares anyone has ever seen random stacks of children’s storybooks with gold lined pages,
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Paul Vasarhelyi / Getty Images

"Wait, is that my La Bouche CD?"

Customers would try to sell us stolen stuff,
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Also, a solid 30 percent of our customer base would be actively involved in a drug deal when I showed up with their food,
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