Everyone has a charity or a cause that they believe in. Mine is Family Circus,
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Rather than tracking down and destroying every Family Circus comic, I’ve spent years developing a robot capable of rewriting them. This powerful robot has been programmed with every modern technique of joke construction and irony. He is named PG 13,
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Ugh. Look at that bullshit. Did you know that every time someone makes a joke that begins and ends with a seat and tray tables speech,
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When I put this comedy tragedy into PG 13’s robot comics port,
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Maybe I’m thinking about this in the wrong direction. I mean, looking at that woman’s jaw and apish hands,
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PG 13 barely even hesitated when his scanners ran their cyber lasers over this comic:Despite the fact that I was falling in love with PG 13, I knew I had to put one of these meandering dotted line Family Circus maps inside him. I figured he’d hate it,
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If there’s one thing PG 13 has, it’s consistency. So when I gave him this comic for rewriting,
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And if they went two more sentences, "Dying? What, like an Easter egg? Yay, Easter!"

Three sentences longer? "You’re eight years old,
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And if they were four sentences longer,
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PG 13 had some interesting responses to this challenge. At first he seemed to get a little too hung up on Family Circus’ disregard for human life. We were driving by and couldn’t help but notice the open mouthed kissing gauntlet you’ve built here with this elderly couple and these toddlers. Yes, I’m sure you have some kind of explanation. But sir, ma’am, put yourself in our shoes. If we don’t shoot you at least in the kneecaps, we could lose our jobs."

When I gave this to PG 13,
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The second problem here is that computers don’t display static. Bill Keane has mistaken them for televisions. I’m sure that’s common among people who grew up with cholera as their only hobby and who still calls pulleys a fad. Seriously,
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When I asked PG 13 to rewrite this crap, the paradoxical nature of it immediately fried his logic circuits. He stared at it blankly, clattering and smoking the entire time. Suddenly, after six hours of silence,
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