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1. Ice Metal Queen HeelsNot only do you get to hurt yourself, but now you can spike anyone near you with these rather fabulous but bizarre looking shoes. Be the hottest ice queen on the dance floor, with heels reminiscent of Superman’s icicle palace or maybe sharp teeth and broken mirrors.

Either way, you’ll be mistaken for some sort of sado masochist and only the very strong alpha male (or possibly a hideously subservient one) will approach you. Good for getting rid of wimps and geeks, they just won’t go near these because they’re too much for one sentence.

Verdict: Wear in an ice storm,
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2. Cowgirl HeelsIf men call you a cow,
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Verdict: Wear these if you want to teach men a lesson they probably deserve.

3. Mafia Funeral Halloween OxfordsI know many men who would love to wear these, simply for the interesting footprints left behind. Perfect for Halloween, funerals and Mafia meetings, you’ll love the way you can add new gold teeth as old teeth drop off or get kicked out. It’s also really interesting the way that walking around in greenery and brownery will make the teeth look realistically decayed. Dog poo never looked so good!

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4. Human Hair HeelsDesigned in Sweden, from the plaits of 45 year old deceased Swedish milk maids, these heels have hilltop maiden written all over them! Wear with a red chequered plaid skirt, blue cape and long plaits of your own to assist the overall intended design. Not only will you feel good wearing some scalped woman’s hair on your feet, they do feel lovely against your bare skin too.

Verdict: Wear for any Sound of Music theatre production or when you are going out to milk the cows and goats,
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5. Hamburger SneakersYou’ll love this silly sausage of a shoe! But in reality, it’s a hamburger,
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Verdict: Wear it to the local fast food restaurant for a date. Or wear it to advertise for your employer,
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6. Praised by Scientologists everywhere, the Alien Fluid Heels are a great talking point at science fiction conventions,
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Verdict: If you wish to bend your spine into a fluid position to match the shoes, you’ll be pleased to know that they are very useful for that purpose. Wear for permanent disfiguration.

7. Dead Rat Slipper SneakersThey’re not quite sure if they’re a sneaker or a slipper, a diseased rat or a dead rat. You’ll have tons of fun scaring relatives with these during the holiday season! And if you don’t have a pet, you can always put the rats on your lap and pat them. Just don’t put them near any real pets like cats or dogs, or you might find them mangled in the morning.

Verdict: A perfect disguise for feet that smell bad or have fungal infections they’ll think it’s the rats. Keep these shoes beside the hostel or hospital bed for maximum impact.

8. The Olive Oyl ShoeIf you’ve ever thought about dating a man who likes his spinach, this is the shoe for you. It is also a big shoe for leg fetishists. Imagine a pair of legs in these shoes and the strange shape they would make where you expect to see a face. Very bizarre. Very trendy. If you have hairy ankles like me, you know you’ll be the talk of the local haberdashery store.

Verdict: A good,
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9. Antique Brass Floral Wedge SandalsA fantastic gift idea for the lady who has too many antiques! Not only are they full of baroque curly bits that will need daily dusting, and weekly wiping, but you can be assured she will need to exercise her thighs properly when walking with the weight of 8kg of brass attached to her heels. Maybe it’s a good gift to get rid of her (you can run away quicker). Or an even better gift to get her in shape. Either way,
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Verdict: For the lady who needs a man with a serious inheritance. Wear to auctions or moonlit Shakespearean productions.

10. Zipper ShoesAn interesting idea for a low heel, or indeed for anyone’s heel that already sports a hefty callous,
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Maybe you are supposed to wash your feet in the ocean as you traipse down the beach or rinse them in a pool? But surely salt water, chlorine or sweat would not react well long term with the zip function? There are also other questions,
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12. The Blobby Foam ShoeAppearing to be the most deceptively comfortable shoe in this collection, the Blobby Foam Shoe can be compared to walking around in a beanbag without beans in it. However, the angle on the ankles is a little tough, so it’s probably best if you become a ballerina first. The good news is that your foot will be supported whether you are lying down,
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Verdict: For ex ballerinas and people who like to practise boxing with their feet.

13. The Chunky Architectural Munster WedgeLearn to walk like Frankenstein! This wedge will assist greatly as you lurch from your local Ikea store to the latest minimalist upcycled furniture convention. Made with materials usually found on modern armchairs,
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